The U.S. military just paid $642 million to a corporate welfare whore to conduct a missile test, the Trump administration has signaled its intent to occupy Syria indefinitely, civilians are dying by the thousands, the latest Fed chair appointee is an establishment banker who has long advocated raising the debt ceiling, the big banks were just given a free pass again, and Congress just approved an extension of warrantless surveillance in a rare show of bipartisanship.
But we’re too busy to worry about any of that. Americans would rather eat Tide pods to get attention on social media. YouTube is taking down Tide pod challenge videos in an effort to slow the trend, and stores are now locking the forbidden fruit in anti-theft cabinets.
The problem is so severe that mainstream media outlets are having to break off chunks of time normally allotted to sowing societal division and fearmongering the public about nuclear war and terrorism to advise people they should not ingest toxic chemicals produced by a massive global conglomerate that spends millions of dollars lobbying the government every year and is no stranger to toxic products.
All this time the #McResistance thought Trump and nuclear war would be the death of us all. But, no, it’s fucking tide pods. Even Idiocracy only went as far as sports drinks. And we thought fidget spinners and people pouring buckets of water on their heads was bad? The president is trying to start wars with North Korea and Iran but people are too busy eating laundry soap to care. In Yemen, 130 children starve to death every day because of a U.S.-backed siege, and Americans kids are over here eating Tide fucking laundry detergent.
People are too busy watching Tide pod challenge videos to push the right “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND” button in Hawaii.
The tiki torch whites are raging, the pussy hat-wearing liberals are gearing up to throw another tantrum in the streets, American police have already killed 62 people so far this year, and all the while, America’s youth are dabbing a household cleaner.
Bats and antelope are dropping dead in heat waves. Wind storms are blowing people down streets. “Bomb cyclones” are apparently a thing. Places are getting so cold the thermometers are literally breaking. Fires, floods, and ice are wreaking havoc throughout America. But by all means, let’s talk about Tide pods.
If our apathetic youth would rather sell themselves out for some cheap social media “likes,” and so-called politically engaged people would rather feign outrage over “shithole” words instead of “shithole” actions, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
I hear Mars is pretty fucking nice — and it has water that’s probably cleaner than planet Earth’s.