Man Protests Gay Marriage By Suing for Right to Marry Computer

Emerson Rensink | The Anti-Media

In an apparent move to expose the “slippery slope” of gay marriage, a Florida man has sued for the right to marry his porn-laden laptop.

Chris Sevier, the ardent man who filed suit, argued in court that if gays are allowed to get married, he should be able to marry his MacBook, whom he claims he has fallen in love with. Thumbnail credit:

He professed, “Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women.”

Pointing out that homosexual couples “lack corresponding parts,” he claims that marrying his laptop would be no different, and that he should be allowed to marry his “preferred sexual object.”

Sevier also filed a similar suit in the state of Utah. His motion complains that he was “denied the right to marry a machine, and therefore discriminated against.”

An obvious tongue-in-cheek protest against what he sees as the illegitimacy of same-sex marriages, Sevier calls his love for his computer part of a sexual minority even more discriminated against than homosexuals.

“The difference between myself and the plaintiffs is that we are in different classes
of sexual orientation,” he says in the Utah suit.

Referring to the slippery slope argument, which imagines the threat of same-sex marriage leading to bestiality and polygamy, he goes on to sarcastically state: “The Constitutionality of the law in dispute narrowly defines marriage between one man and one women, not one man and one man, one woman and one woman, one man and one machine, one man and one animal which violates the Due Process Clause and Equal Protection clause
of all classes of sexual orientation, not just same-sex orientation.”

Not surprisingly, Sevier also makes a thinly-veiled argument for the singular validity of heterosexual marriage, referring to it as “a relationship set apart because it has the potential of bearing life between two people, who are in a legally binding relationship, who have naturally corresponding sexual organs with the exclusive potential to produce children with DNA that matches theirs; which, of course, makes that relationship both scientifically and factually distinct from all others.”

Sevier’s attempts at delegitimizing same-sex marriage are comical, not just in their tone, but in the face of the fact that now 17 states recognize same-sex marriage as legal, with several turning the tide this year.

On Monday, more than 100 people in Arkansas got married after the state’s attorney general asked for a suspension on its ban of same-sex marriage.

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Emerson Rensink is an Olympia-trans*planted activist, organizer and citizen journalist. He helped organize the global March Against Monsanto in May 2013. In addition to writing for The Anti-Media, Emerson’s work can be found at Center for a Stateless Society. In his free time, Emerson likes to watch depressing documentaries and find funny, pointless things on the Internet.

Follow Emerson on Twitter: @emersonrensink