The Tiny Pacific Island of Samoa Just Brutally Trolled America

(ANTIMEDIA)  The United States ambassador to Samoa, Scott Brown, is the subject of an official administrative inquiry into his inappropriate conduct at a Peace Corps event in Apia, Samoa’s capital city, in July.

According to one source, Brown was “arrogant, fake, and put off a lot of people.” The source also said he spoke to the Samoan people “like we were a quaint little country that didn’t know any better.” Brown was also allegedly intoxicated at the event and was described as “channeling [U.S. President Donald] Trump” – particularly in the way he treated the female attendees.

However, rather than just take the rude treatment, Samoa’s mainstream newspaper, the Samoa Observer, recently hit back at Brown and America’s perceived attitude toward the world in general in the most satirically brutal way possible.

In an Onion-style opinion piece published last week titled “I am so sorry,” comically purported to be written by Brown himself, the newspaper addressed not only Donald Trump’s America but also the United States’ longstanding history of the same type of behavior associated with Brown.

Dear Samoan people, Peace Corps and anyone else who dislikes me and President Donald Trump,” the article humorously opens.

“As you know, I have been investigated by the US States Department following my visit to your country last July to celebrate 50 years of Peace Corp work in Samoa…Now, claims in the Washington Post, The Guardian (UK), Agence France-Presse and NZ and Australian news agencies, as well as your Samoa Observer that my behaviour at the celebration function was ‘shocking’, ‘undiplomatic’, ‘rude’ and ‘culturally insensitive’ is all false. ‘Pure fabrication’. ‘All fiction.’ ‘Fake news. ‘Evil people.’ Sad!!!”

Sound familiar? The article continues:

“Let me tell you the facts. Alternative facts. Before my posting to Wellington, I was briefed by senior officials of the US State Department who explained to me what proper behaviour[s] were for diplomats. When I questioned the appropriateness of some of those behaviour[s], they emphatically told me that if I weren’t sexist, shocking, rude, culturally insensitive and undiplomatic during official functions, guests would not know that I was the US Ambassador.” [emphasis added]

If any Americans find the above offensive, they should buckle your their seat belts. The article gets even more painfully honest:

“You see, it is important for us Americans that we get noticed. How we do it is irrelevant. In some situations, we create a scene. And we may end up embarrassing some of our fellow citizens…In others, we start a war in places where no threat to peace is evident. Thousands upon thousands may get killed. But, as long as they’re not American, that’s fine. Death is the price they pay for not noticing us in the first place and for their failure to acknowledge the civility and dignity our presence bring to their gatherings.”

The article jokingly claims Brown himself is not to blame for the cultural attitudes he has learned to display:

“As Americans, we learn from a young age that you don’t complain about people who offend you. You just shoot them. If you’re still not satisfied, then you shoot their friends, kids in their children’s schools or people who go to their favourite night clubs or attend outdoor concerts. That why our rights to carry firearms is guaranteed under the Second Amendment of our Constitution.”

Transitioning from criticizing the most exaggerated stereotypical trigger-happy American, the article then turns to criticizing Trump directly:

“During my counseling, State Department Officials told me that I had nothing to worry about. Just be a bit more discreet next time…They also counseled me to do what President Trump said. People would let stars like him and me, do whatever we’d like to do to them. So, if we liked a nice woman, don’t waste words or ask for their consent. Just ‘grab them by the p****’.”  

Allegedly, Brown made inappropriate statements towards the female workers at the event, and his conduct, in general, was deemed inappropriate. He was also accused of referring to people outside the event as “grungy and dirty,” a statement that offended many people.

Most ludicrous, however, is the fact that Brown purported to claim he wasn’t aware his statements would be offensive because he didn’t understand the cultural differences between Samoa and the United States. In reality, “the event was being catered by the Peace Corps volunteers who are all Americans,” according to a source who attended the event in Apia.

The article finishes off in brutal fashion:

“I promise that the next time I visit your country, I’ll wear a blindfold so I don’t have to look at all those ‘grungy and dirty’ people.

Or voluptuous chests.

Yours sincerely,

Snott Brown

Ambassador,

United States of Arrogance.”

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